The Corner of My Life

It has been so and so this my last true post. This entry will not be a vent post but instead a collection of what I have learnt for the past few as a reminder of what I have to do.

Don't procrastinate-- it sucks. I'm sitting at Tapioca Express on Las Tunas and Mission writing my English paper that's due tomorrow. Even though I'm actually getting somewhere, I still regret the fact that I didn't start on this paper a week ago. The due date for this paper was pushed twice and yet I still wait until the last minute to do it. One of the patterns that I've noticed when the Professor grades my papers is that whenever I write a paper the night before, I end up getting an A- or an A. It's weird but I'm doubting that the Professor took the papers seriously. Also to note that the Professor grades us using a rubic scale -- requirements that fulfill her standards. The majority of all my papers, there is one thing in common -- not going to the LRC (learning resource center) to allow other readers to read my paper and critique it as they should. Personally, I don't like people criticizing my paper however it's what makes us a better writer -- something I aspire to become.

Don't have high hopes for... certain individuals -- I say this because next week I'll be moving to a new apartment (better, closer and a more urban luxurious building). The reason that I'm moving is because three of my roommates will be going back to their hometown when this semester ends, leaving Mike and I the only current residents at our current apartment. Although even when rent is cheap, there are appliances that we cannot invest into therefore forcing us to move to an apartment that has what we need. Rent will be twice the amount we pay now, however we'll be getting what we want. But, rent will only be like that until we find other roommates and I want to take my time and talk about the prospective roommates I thought was going to live with us. I won't mentioned any names, but when you read this I hope you feel bad, because I had high hopes for you. Don't consider this talking behind your back, because I'm not. Talking behind your back would be saying negative things about you so don't get this post mixed up with your judgment.

I thought you were going to check out the apartment and however you failed multiple times to check out the place. I've waited for you after class to let you check out the place and see what the place would look like. I don't have any doubts that you didn't want to check out the place however it's your initiative to pick up the phone and let me know you won't be showing up that's bothering me. What gives? If you're not a phone person.. there's obviously facebook or aim that you can communicate me through. An apology would be nice perhaps? Regardless, I hope you know you're missing out. Have fun paying 601 every month for your dorm.

Don't eat too much -- Do I have to say munch? More than half of the American population is obese and I happen to be slowly becoming one of them. I feel ashamed because I've went through so much with the military that I forgot who I am and what type of standards I want to set myself.

I'm going to start posting again. So check back once and a while.



Frustrated with alot of things

It feels like it's been forever (literally forever) that I haven't updated this journal. I've always had the intention of posting, but I never got my ass to. I've procrasinated for long, but I think today and the previous days hit the jackpot on this one.

A lot has happened to me in the past day, week or even months. From drilling with the Marines, going through my daily routine of waking up at the crack of dawn to hitch a ride with someone at 6:30am only when you're class starts at 8:50am, isn't exactly the life I thought college would be. Gas = expensive. Thus expensive must been to save money. That's the reason why I carpool, and with the given routine that I've just given, my life seems like hell right now. I probably shouldn't complain when everybody else's life are more miserable than mine, but I think writing this out is probably the best option for me right now. I've only spoken to a few people about my situation, and it seems like only out of the number of people I've spoken to, perhaps one or two only realized what I felt and understood me. With the school year coming near an end, I feel at ease with myself. Summer is coming up, and as much as I want to take summer classes, I am unable to due to my Marine schedule they got going on.

There are times when I literally just want to quit life, spend a day or two out in the field of nothing but landscapes, reflecting on myself just as Henry David Thoreau did once in Solitudes. I feel like this is the time of my life that I need to get things set in my mind so I can carry on the plan of the day. Or perhaps my problem right now is that I don't have a plan and I feel compelled to do whatever is necessary to accomplish and establish a plan. But with recent events, mainly dealing with my financial issues and my dad's recent admittance to the hospital, I find it both hard and hurtful to slide through this problem with ease.

Dad's recently been really tired with everything - there's me of course, that's no question since I always manage to cause trouble somehow. My dad's chlorest. is off the chart, and he's diabetic. I went to go visit him again today and only to find out that the doctor believes it has something to do with his heart. Probably a clog or something, but nevertheless there are people that are causing trouble for him. My dad probably isn't the most successful person out there, however as far as I've seen he's been playing a great role for the family. He's working a double job to try and support the family that we have here. And recently he moved up to my place because of an arguement with our beloved hateful stepmother who literally dresses like an outstanding whore. I hear rumors that she's this and that, however I have yet seen such acts from her. A sidenote about rumors, I really despise it. I don't care what people say about them, however even I'm probably being extremely hypocritical right now, I don't like getting dragged into family business. Everybody's a hater, where's the love nowadays?

My financial issue will always manage to carry a shoulder on me. I have my own version of OCD where I have to pay my bills on time or else I'll get a bad credit score. Ever since I entered that dark pit which the American people call a debt, holy shit I've never felt so compelled before than to just pay off my bills. Regardless of the minimum payments offered and with extreme criticism from elders saying, just pay it off slowly, I push their advice aside and just pay as much as I can, leaving with me so little money so I can feed myself. Most of the time, if you hang out with me, you'll probably see much using a silver card. Yes, that's my credit card, and sometimes I have to live off my credit card. That's horrible, I know, but shut the fuck up about it. I know how bad it is, but oh well. I'm just really bad with money, period.

Finally, I've been able to purchase a car that I want. Honda Civic 2004. The conditions and everything are extremely nice, so now I'm more than capable of getting things done on time and of course other than that, take people out -- which is something I've always looked forward to ever since I got my license. But again, car and taking out is like the ultimate mouse trap -- wasting more money. Taking out someone would cost money, regardless of where you go because you are essentially paying for gas. And the whole crap about time -- how it isn't money. Well ladies and gentlemen, to me time is everything. Time gets things done. You don't get the job done, you simply won't get paid. That's how time correlates with money. And that's the end of that story.

By now, you're probably like 'Wow, this is one stubborn guy.' Yes, I can be very stubborn at times, but the majority of the times I'm a very opened minded person that likes to hear people. But there comes a time when you piss me off, and I can get really immature about your response -- most likely throw a punch to your face and ask you what the fuck is wrong with you. Excuse my profanity, but simply profanity better expresses the English language. Like any language, there's a key component that makes a language sound so astounding, that that component is simply profanity. It makes it interesting, it sparks up interests like 'Oooooo' or 'Wow'

I'm not going to bother reading this, I'm sure you're a well educated person to read through my grammar mistakes and correct that reading motar of yours in your brain to understand what I'm saying..



Good night.

I think it's time that I let out my frustration on those who don't have support the military.


There are, god knows how many times, that I've come acrossed people, good people, that say that they don't support the military. I ask them, well why don't you? I've received responses such as, I don't like what they're doing, what their doing isn't just and right, the military's advertisement is only to lure you in so they can use you and anything of that nature. Allow me to speak my mind.

I am a Marine. I joined because it was something I wanted to do. I approach people and I tell them that I'm a member of the Armed Forces and they look at me differently. Okay, well I appreciate that I stand out but I shouldn't be completely left out of the loop of social activities and communities. I'm not saying that I haven't been rejected, so far I haven't at least, but I've met other people who are at a disadvantage because they are part of the Armed Forces. Quite honestly, once and a while I'm approached by people and I get a 'Thank You for serving.' Those are people who respect the military and believe in the military in general as a whole, is not bad at all. If you're going to dislike the military because of their cause, well heads up: How is it our fault? 'Willful obidience to direct orders' is part of a law, called the UCMJ, that we're bound to. Here's the exact quotage I looked up:

Article 92—Failure to obey order or regulation

    Judging by the title, I'm here to talk about my disappointments I'm feeling right now. For the past [last] week, I was on spring break yet I haven't managed to get any of my school work done. I disappoint myself and for that I am ashamed of the things I could've accomplished. I really don't have any excuses nor should there be in the first place. I should've taken the initiative to do my work and then take a break but I didn't. My English Professor assigned us a book to read called the 'On-Purpose Person' ... it's basically a self-help book. At first, I felt insulted that she's making us read it but perhaps now, it's not a bad idea to read and it and go through with it. I slacked off and just earlier today, I wrote a two page essay about the book. I should rewrite that essay and make it sound better. I seriously need to stop being lazy and get myself back into the game. This questions my determination or if I have any at all!

    Today's Monday and I was supposed to go to school but didn't. I had one class -- Anthropology (my major by the way) and yet I didn't attend. I haven't read any of the chapters assigned and yet I call it my major. Do I really want to be an Anthropology major? How badly do I want it? My only motivation in the first place to be an Anthropology major is to know where we come from and travel -- we do plenty of that. I feel like I'm missing something to fulfill my determination to become an Anthropology major. I like to read and write, so my English determination is covered up for.

What is it I'm missing right now?

Don't say a girlfriend...
   

Dating

 

Dictionary.com defines Dating as, “a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person.” I came across many interpretations of dating from numerous of my friends. Quite frankly, I think people are just getting the idea of dating wrong. People think just because they’re ‘dating’ they’ve already engaged into a committed relationship. I won’t name out anyone, but I thought I just write about it. Quite honestly, it sort of makes me frustrated because of people’s inexperience.

I hate walking around school, trying to figure out whether or not certain people are on the same page as I am when I want to ask them out. Seriously, dating is just getting to know someone; you’re not committed, no strings attached and the best part of it is, if things don’t work out, we could always be friends. Back in high school, I see 2348793489274389289373 students jumping into relationships with a snap of a finger. I see Friend A one day, still single and has no interest in anyone. Next week Friend A jumped into a “committed” relationship and Friend A said she’s the best person Friend ever had (that’s Friend’s first). WTF! GTFO! SHIT DUDE.

College is somewhat better and I’m glad of it. It’s a big school; everybody’s typically in general population no matter who you are. No one knows who you are, and you don’t know them. I don’t feel restricted to the 619 students that graduated San Gabriel High School for c/o 2007… older people are better anyway =D

So seriously, what’s the harm in giving people a chance, some sense of hope people can be happy about? Someone once told me, it’s great being single but it sucks shit feeling lonely.

 

Give people a chance…

Julien Pham

Professor Villanueva

English 100

22 March 2008

How Love Works

            Generally speaking, we could all think marriage is an everlasting and prosperous relationship. It’s just living with our spouse afterwards that causes problems! Could it be because both individuals don’t have a common interest, or could it be because they don’t perceive love the same way? In a world filled with families, friends and the global communicative network – music, we are influenced everyday to why it is important for us to understand love.

We come across many interpretations relative to love through our influences mainly from our family.  Our families play a significant role in how we’ve grown to believe and follow certain values and aspects towards life. Therefore with certain family cultures raising their own aspects and values towards their children, how can we expect the feeling of love to be interpreted the same way as everybody else’s? In religions such as Christianity, the Bible interprets love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Cor.13)

                From the passage, love is defined the way it was simply written. However, with the evolution of the human mind – being able to take a word such as love and abstract it into many different symbolic ideas such as affection, desire, lust and even temptation, it’s a wonderment to figure out whether or not everyone has the same interpretation of the passage. This leads to different views and actions that makes love such a complex and a unique feeling to have. Therefore it’s crucial for us to realize the interpretations of love and what causes our influence to be shifted. In Cultural Anthropology, George Murdock notes, “Sexual behavior in different cultures tends to be more regulated in the interest of their society” (229). Murdock mentioned being, “regulated in the interest of their society.” What if our parents are self-regulating themselves because of an impact that society plays on them? In a general society, there must be a population. Within that population there are people with different ideas and aspects towards the topic of love. Therefore society has an effect on our families. Society would then be “a key to the cupboard” – an endless wealth of knowledge regarding the influences interpreting the various types of love. The views of our families when then shift the way we think to understand why it is important to understand love. Friends would then be a significant correlation to our families.

            Our friends play an extensive role in our life today. For example they could peer-pressure you into doing certain activities such as sex, drugs, violence and evidently even love. So in a sense peer-pressure is also another form of influencing. We may not realize the thoughtless activities we do at first but when we take begin to reminisce why we did it in the first place; our friends played a vital role in making us do it. In Susan Allen Toth’s, “Boyfriends,” she was surrounded by friends who’ve taken a keen interest in love. From, “being spooked by the boys who teased us nice girls about being sweet-sixteen-and-never-been-kissed” (130), Toth decided to blend with the trend into getting a boyfriend to prevent being gossiped about. This was an example of how Toth was being peer-pressured by her fellow friends. By being gossiped about, she only encouraged and motivated herself to get a boyfriend who in the end would turn out to be the best one she ever had (134-135). When she was given a religious cross from her former boyfriend, she mentioned how, “not take it off even when I was in the bathtub. Like my two wooden dolls from years before, I clung to that cross as a superstitious token” (135). She used her own personal example, the two wooden dolls, as an analogy to interpret Peter was her most precious boyfriend. Sometimes when our friends peer-pressure us into doing certain things such as entering supposedly into a committed relationship, it could be a great experience much like Toth’s. However, the tactic and method Toth used, “read enough in my Seventeen about how to attract boys” (131) was clearly an example in how the global communicative network, whether it be through magazines or through television, could influence the way we interpret love.

            Television, magazines and even music influences us in many different ways we don’t realize ourselves. The subject of love for example can be expressed in musical lyrics. In Britney Spears’ primitive song, “You Drive Me Crazy,” part of the song goes:

You drive me crazy

I just can’t sleep.

I’m so excited, I’m in too deep.

Ohh… crazy, but it feels alright,

Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night.

 

                Britney Spears sends out the message she can’t live without her man, thus making her go crazy. Ironically enough in recent news, her visiting privileges with her two sons were taken away causing her to go crazy herself (Baker). From this example we can see how love through lyrics expresses us in various ways. With loving lyrics that brings out emotional and loving thoughts, music shifts the way we feel towards an individual.  We are immersed into the debts of our thoughts whenever we listen to music that relates to how we feel. If you’ve recently broken up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, perhaps American Idol’s pop-star singer Elliot Yamin’s, “Wait for You,” could reopen your thoughts to regretting love and give you a second opinion. We learned listening to musical lyrics could bring out various interpretations of love that influences the society.

            Our families try to instill their ideas of love making us realize it is important to understand the various types of love through means of influential sources such as religion. Next, our friends play even a bigger role because they themselves are being influenced by the media, and the media is what ultimately portrays the various types of love. Thus we can conclude everything comes into play: our families, friends and music are what influence us to understand why different varieties of loves are important.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Works Cited

Baker, Ken and Errico, Marcus. “Brit and Boys: Reunited!” E! News on the web 23 Feb. 2008. 19 Mar. 2008 <http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp>

Harris, Marvin and Johnson, Orna. Cultural Anthropology. 7^th ed. Boston: Pearson, 2007

The Bible. King James Version.

The Holy Bible. Korea: Nelson KJV, 1970.

Toth, Susan Allen. “Boyfriends.” Life Studies: An Analytic Reader. Ed. David Cavitch. 7^th ed.

New York Bedford/St. Martin, 2001. 130-135.

 

 

           

           

Quoted by Dr. Cameron in House M.D. This has been medically proven!

"Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago."

cool shit!

I'll start with my life's complaint.

... yeah I think the only thing I have to complain is about is how stupid girls can be.

Or is me that's being stupid?

Thought I'd post it up here.

Today's my birthday! 19! Two more years until VEGAS!!! This is pretty much my last year to enjoy myself being a teen. Today went by smoothly. I didn't really want to do anything for birthday. I guess every other year I'd be outside or something no, this year I decided I wanted to stay home (except for the exception of Judy taking me to go eat Pho).  Still owe her 13 bucks, crud!

To me, your birthday is like a new beginning. Fresh start mostly like New Year. I have resolutions and wishes, but I won't disclose any of that. I just hope that now I've begun my college life, things will go smoothly as planned. For the next 6 years of being a Marine, hopefully nothing serious will happen to me. If anything I hope being a reservist is going to be a good experience. I'm expecting to get out of it by the time I hit 24, so lets see.

19.

I'm getting into instrumental music now.

Lesson learnt -- never lend out money. My dad owes me 300 bucks and my grandma owes me 500 bucks. Seriously, like what the hell? Do they not realize that I need that money for school and for my own personal expenses? It's bad enough that my grandma wants me to pay for her car payment (350) and for my own insurance (another 300) AND on top of that I have to pay for my own gas. And the worse part of it is I'm partially able to use it sometimes. Since I'm making so many payments, shouldn't I at least be able to keep the damn car?

Speaking of the reign of my grandma that she's has upon me, I really don't like where I am right now. I live in a garage, stuck with two people whom I honestly don't get along with. Not only that but I get no privacy and more importantly no space at all whatsoever. Continuing on with my ramblings, the other day I wanted to make a trip to the bank to deposit some money. I had no problem with G-MA asking me where I was going, but I did have a problem when she asked me how much was I going to deposit. Was that a sign of her wanting to borrow even more money from me? For crying out loud, your financial problem is not my problem but since you're having problems and I graciously allowed you to borrow money from me, it became part of my financial dilemma. I got bills to pay, my investment in this nice laptop I'm using now, still got to pay off for the other Sony VAIO laptop I bought while in Oklahoma and credit card bills. Living here does not help at all whatsoever.

Also, what the hell is the deal with "bad luck" going on with my family? My dad and grandma make it such a big deal. Well have you ever considered the fact that your pessimistic feeling towards bad luck is actually contributing towards a downfall? It's bad enough they got me caught in the loop!

Happy Valentine's Day. Great way to spend your day right? GARBAGE.


And who is she to decide what clothes size I have to wear? What the hell man (with a Vietnamese accent)

I'm sure many of you have seen Star Wars. Remember before Darth Vader turned into a badie; how he was all about good and fighting for justice but inevitably his destiny was to be the destroyer of peace? I guess I can relate to that. I had a decent chat with Tommy today and he told me a few things about myself that I wanted to hear. He told me that I easily relate to Anakin Skywalker, the good guy trying to fight what is wrong but in the end he turns into the monster he's been fighting agaisnt. 

My values and intentions have never changed; they are good. However I have to admit trying to do the right thing is not as easy as it may seen. I've always tried to be the good guy and by joining the Marines it helped me kick-start that groove. I just hope I won't become the monster that I'm fighting agaisnt. I must confess; it feels good. It feels good to just give into anger and all that trash. And since I'm more easily prone to get angry, I doubt my abilities to handle situations with my family or more so, a relationship. It's all but a test.

Life, don't give up on it. It'll never give up on you so you have to try to make the best of it. So many things going on right now. Marines, school (19 units PUNK!) and family. I doubt my capabilities to handle a relationship. I think I'm only adding more problems to the dilemma. I think it's best if I lay on the downlow right now. Financially I'm jumping around as well (didn't get much for chinese new year, what the pho!)

Took my placement exams today. Didn't do so well in Math. Basic geometry went out the window. They gave me a problem with the area of the rectangle. Then it showed dotted lines disconnecting the pieces inside the rectangle and then asked me to find the area. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DO THAT!??!?! Hello Remedial Math! Did a bombass job on the english though, =D

What the zoinks, why is my past relationship suddenly reappearing?

Ok, in all seriousness, I like chick flicks (yes I really do) but seriously, what kind of movie was this? I spent 2 and a half hour sitting down (while moving back and forth checking messages) and the movie seriously.. bored me. White haired witch, girl who can't get anywhere in life.. it's one of those movies. Sorry but it gives the brand Prada a bad name.

Moving forward... busy busy busy. Really busy. My schedule is really packed this week. Thursday - Friday I have work with the Marines, oh great shitness! Then on Saturday I got to take some placement test for CSUN. Then Sunday I'm back to work. Great. Happy Chinese New Year by the way, I'm glad mine is starting on the right track (great deal of sarcasm if you're unable to detect it; fools!) But honestly, I hope you all have a wonderful start of the Lunar year. Every year is the same for me. Personally I don't like the holiday, but I celebrate it as part of tradition.

Self-realization, I think everyone goes through it once and a while. I realize about myself is that.. I seriously am not an online type of chatter. I'm more face-to-face; Hi I'm Julien *shakes hand* 

And this is my way of ending my journal.

I got nothing.

Giants won.

...no.

you deserve much better
what´s the use in holding on

I've always told myself that I would never let anything like this happen again. My emotions are reckless; I let them become the best of me that I lost my sense of reality. Dreams are just an illusion to cloud your judgment of reality. Everybody lies; they are not what they appear to be.

Tick tick BOOM BOOM.

terrorist wins.

game over.

life seems to miserable.


the end.

I'm confused with what to do right now. Everything may seem to be very clear to me; my future, my life that I want to try and establish. But what am I missing? For the past few days to a week, I've been pondering what is it that I'm missing in my life that could make me whole. I sit around on my laptop everyday just wondering what would He who lives above have for me in the future. Right now, I'm just as lazy as Hank Moody from Californification; unable to find the true answer to get back on his feet. I feel as if my life has become an unsolvable puzzle. Even Macky Makisumi, a man who can solve a rubik's cube in 11 seconds would be unable to solve my dilemma.

Filled with discomfort and unsatisfaction, I'm lost and I need a hand to get myself back up.



WHAT AM I MISSING?

29 Palms can suck shit!

I'm in Fullerton right now and I'm having.. 50/50 of fun. After graduating, I guess alot has changed for me. I joined the service and everything and came back totally a different person. What bothers me the most right now I guess is having some people not being able to see that change that I've gone through. One person's opinion should not cloud my judgement and views of my own personal perspectives, but I guess that same old habit of "caring" what other people thinks about you is just mysteriously kicking back in. So I had to literally sit down and just think for a second.

Wait. Who exactly am I again and what have I gone through? I've gone through something not almost everybody can go through. I went through the most difficult challenge that challenged my physical and mental capacity of my human soul. I've gone through alot, and it's the truth. So why is it that I can't overcome this simple task? It's the littlest things in life that gets you they say, and I'm sorry but I'm not going to let something as stupid as this get in my way to become the person I want to be. I want to be a good person, seriously and sincerely. I've been reminded and I pondered about the life that I've lived before and honestly, I don't want to relive that life ever again. We all could become the person we all strive to be, it just takes a little work here and there and alot of time. 

So, I'm targeting you my mysterious annonymous homosexual faggot that I call a friend, you're not going to stand in my way of who I want to be. Seriously, do you really think alot of people like you on first thought? For crying out loud, I pray that your immaturity one day hit you so hard. But, I hope not because that wouldn't make me better than you, would it? So, I'm just going to ignore your comments, your so-called confidence you carry on your shoulders proudly and with pride. You remind me of your brother and I hope you won't end up in his shoes. You were once a cool person but don't let your ego overtake you. Know your limits because I know mine. I'm not saying I won't continue talking to you, but my actions are loud and clear.

Moving on though, it feels like I carry a weight on my shoulders simply because I can't tell someone that I have feelings for them. You're probably thinking I'm not man enough and should grow some pair and just tell her already but it really isn't that simple. I wish I could explain it more in context but I'm just left speechless at this point. I guess I'm just afraid, that's all.

Having a New Year's Resolution is great and everything but nearly all the people I've met never really goes through with it. Lack of determination and commitment? It's hard and never will be easy unfortunately.

So therefore, one of my New Year's Resolution is to get everyone back on track and help them achieve what they want to do, respectively. For some reason I've come to realize about myself; I've always enjoyed seeing people full of laughter and joy in their lives while mine remains empty and not full of joyful compassion. Call me unselfish, but for some reason I can never get myself to achieve that level of happiness before. I might laugh and sometimes be joyful, but deep down inside myself I never had that aurora of joyfulness. Therefore I hope this coming year I will be able to achieve that aurora.

Another one of my Resolution is that I hope I can become a better person. For probably the past year, I've brought down sadness and despair to certain people whom I won't mention. If you're reading this, I apologize and I hope you could forgive me for the things I've said or done to you. I never really intended it to go the way it went.

And lastly, what any other guy would want besides getting a girl in their live, which is someone whom I don't need right now, is to become more physically fit than the way they are not. I may be a Marine, but even Marines re-establish their lost keg.

It means I don't give a shit in French. Christmas should be a day where people enjoy time with their families and celebrate it together. The part with the family is true, but it just felt as if Christmas wasn't really Christmas at all. Last night on Christmas Eve, I slept and dreamt of someone whom I thought I'd already got over with. Turns out that we were on the same track (subway or bus) and I would notice her. She would be crying. I walked over and ask her what's wrong. She said her boyfriend this, her boyfriend that. Being the person that I am, I comforted her and then we started apologizing for the bunch of crap we've been giving each other and decided to just give each other a second chance or a fresh start.

I'm not sure if this was a sign from the person who lives high above, but what on earth is going on here?! Not only did that happen, but in the afternoon when I was at the cafe, a friend asked me questions about my time in high school. Questions were:

1) what happened at prom
2) what's with this "stalker" status I've got going on at that time
3) who's Lisa
4) do I feel comfortable about having younger people as my friends.

At Prom, truth is, I ditched my date. I was a dick back then, still could be considered one but I don't give two shits about that anymore. The whole stalker status bullcrap was something that I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time moment kind of thing. It doesn't bother me because for one I don't go to that forsaken school anymore. But what does bother me is that how could you young adults, who are about to leave that god forbid school, come up with such a mature act and declare me a stalker when I really wasn't at all. If you're one of those people that's reading this, good, I hope I have your full undivided attention because WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU to call ANYONE that? Ladies & Gentlemen, you walk around and gossip as if you have nothing better to do in your life. Frankly, grow up, get the fuck up and find something that benefits yourself and possibly others instead of downgrading someone else that meets your satisfaction.

Yes, I am pissed off. Pissed off at those people who loveeeeeee to talk crap about another person. You're all fucking human after-all right? I pray and hope that there will be a time when you will need to depend on that one person to help you. Then you're going to see how fucking stupid you really are.

3rd question, some girl I danced at girl. And the last question, no it doesn't bother me at all because why would you want to only have friends in one particular age group? Is that really what you would call maturity? We all depend on one another, regardless of age, anyway in the real world for help and probably guidance.

Been a while... stupid internet. I was going through the internet tonight catching up on the news until I came across an article explaining the answer of, "Why do people kiss under a mistletoe?" Here's what it says..

THE LEGEND OF MISTLETOE


Mistletoe also known throughout history as the golden bough has several different legends associated with its beginning and its meaning.

Starting back as far as the Celtic Druids you can find more than one story concerning the mystical mistletoe. One such story is their belief that the plant held the soul of the host tree, which was the “holy oak”. During a ceremony, the Druid priests would harvest the mistletoe with a golden sickle to ensure the mistletoe never touched the ground, as it would lose its magical powers. The powers would quickly be absorbed back into the earth. Once the mistletoe was harvested, the priests would have the branches out to the people for them to use against all kinds of evils.

In England, mistletoe at one time was placed over the doorways for good luck. They believed that only happiness could pass underneath the mistletoe, therefore, enemies would hug and seal their peaceful intentions with a kiss of friendship.

The ancient Norse people have a wonderful legend centered on the mistletoe. In their legend, the god Odin and his wife Frigga had a son by the name of Balder. Frigga loved her son very dearly. She took steps to ensure that nothing would ever harm him by way of earth, fire, water, or air.

The mistletoe did not fit into any of these categories, so an evil spirit by the name of Loki created an arrow out of mistletoe and gave it to Balder’s brother, Holder. Holder was blind and Loki held onto his hand and shot Balder in the heart with the mistletoe arrow. Balder died.

From this moment on, the legend is told differently in various stories. One is that Balder is brought to life. In another one, he had a Viking’s funeral and was sent to the Otherworld on a burning ship. He was to remain there until it was time for him to come back to earth to start a new era.

From that day, forward, Frigga stated the mistletoe would never harm anyone again and made it a symbol of love and made the promise to bestow a kiss upon everyone who passed beneath it.

The original article could be found here

My opinion... why let some stupid little poisonous thing make a decision for you?

Today when I woke up, I had the worse headache ever. Woke up around 3 in the afternoon on the 23rd; grandma literally had to drag me out of bed so I could clean the house. But the stupid headache did not stop me from going out that day though, haha.

My normal daily life consist of eating outside now. And you might think it's cool eating outside everyday, but it really sucks. After a while, you just run out of places where you want to eat. And if you start getting really desperate, I drag myself back to my old-habit place where people call it the "Quitting Life hotspot restaurant." I think that title is just plain stupid because if you supposebly quit life because of a girl (which is the main case my friends go there for anyway) is.. ridiculous. You weak pathetic person! This message isn't intended to target anyone but if a girl says no that she doesn't like you.. just move on. Why dwell in despair and discontent?

Anyways back to eating outside everyday, IT SUCKS.

Ms Williams is going to be here on the 27th! Hopefully the whole entire Acadec team decides to go because if they don't.. all my hard planning will be a complete waste.

... I'm getting fat again.

Yesterday, the day before I left that forsaken Battery, I was in a working party to help out Gunnery Sergeant Mo. We had to dump 500lb file vaults and one accidentally slipped and hit my left foot. Stubborn as I was, I chose not to go see medical because if I did that would mean I would have to stay and I will not stay there! My bus left at 2am to Oklahoma city. I am now in Denver, Colorado International Airport icing my foot. I think it's broken... but oh well then. Carry on with the plan of the day. There's snow in Colorado and it's cold as hell. The temperature right now is 17 degrees F. I'm sitting in the USO... going through this and that... blah I am bored.

Have you ever hated a characteristic about a certain individual that you couldn't stand? Have you ever told yourself that you are right and he's wrong even when you were given the proper information? My roommate faggot and I argued last night about how Reservists get paid more than Active Duty do when we're activated to deploy. I was told by an experience Marine and yet he still argued. I hate people like him; arrogant and thinks that they're all-knowing.

I'm just glad that I can finally go home after months and months of training.

I really like how time fly passes by. You wake up at the crack of dawn for school and you're off onto the bus to school. The next thing you know, you're already on the bus back home. I like that feeling. I've been in the Marine Corps for about 6 months now, that's half a year! I remember when I first got off that bus and onto the yellow foot tiles telling me to put my feet at a 45 degree angle and hold my hands to my side. I remember the Drill Instructors told me to read the sign that stated that any drug abuse will be not be tolerated at all. I remember that time when I humped with a 110lbs of gear up the Reaper; a steep hill that was our final test for the Crucible during 2nd phase. I remember graduating, going home to my family and friends. I remember going to Marine Combat Training, humping with a heavier additional 25lbs pack than the one during boot camp up the burnt Alpha Shelf. I remember coming to crappy Oklahoma, getting assigned our room numbers. And now, I'm finally leaving most likely on Saturday.

Since all that can happen with a snap of a finger, I look back and realize the things I should've done when I was in training. I probably should have never fell asleep during one instructor's class which one day could save my life. I probably should've worked out a lot more before I went to boot camp or tried harder when I was in boot camp. I realize so many things that I could tell myself that in the future, maybe I should work harder to succeed.

Wish Oklahoma would die out >.>

Can you say, exodus? I'm finally leaving this place. For the past 2 days it's been hectically freezing here. I was literally shaped like a snowman and it sucked balls. I'm only my last and final week here in Oklahoma and I leave most likely this Saturday. Can't wait, only a few more days to go! Never again will I return to OK! NEVER.

I've felt that I learned a lot for the past 5 weeks. Amazing, time flies and I like it the way it is. Finally after months and months of training; through Boot Camp through Marine Combat Training and Job Training, I can finally enter the Marine Fleet prepared to disembark to the calling if I'm called. Even though I'm a reservist and we're always looked down upon in the fleet, we're still Marines. The saying goes, once a Marine always a Marine. The obstacles that I had to endure was difficult and as well as painful. I've never left my family and friends for this long in my life before. But overtime I got used to it and it's all part of this thing called "growing up." It feels really good being out there by yourself; no restrictions, not being told what to do but the most part I hate the most is you will have no one to look after you anymore. Oh well, growing up does suck!

Everyday, I'm sure everyone goes through an obstacle. I have, the growing up process and being mature. Some people call me mature but I don't think I'm matured enough yet. There is always ways to improve and better yourself through ways of... obstacles! We may not call it an obstacle; you might call it something else. Going through breakups, financial management, trying to finally grow some balls and talk to that one girl you've long liked for.. yeah those are all obstacles to me. No matter what you want to do in your life, don't give up. If anything, take it from me (a Marine) that giving up will only make you feel miserable and when you look back you want to be like, "oh yeah I kicked ass fool!" rather than "shit. this sucks my life is miserable and I'm going to cut myself." Speaking of cutting yourself, you "emo" people, just accept reality and move on, what's the point of being so "emo" when there will always be better things for you out there? Take whatever happened to you as a test; you failed! But learn from your mistakes like you should and carry on.

Honestly I'm really tired of seeing people being so damn depressed about their boyfriend/girlfriend/shemale dump them and it's the end of the world for them. Or if they failed a test. Or if they lost to someone else during a thumb war. In all seriousness, just forget it and forget about it. Easier said than done? Well that's because you're not giving the effort you should be giving dorks.

Enjoy life, it's not the end of the world ladies and gen'ts.

.. waiting for Chinese food, =D

I was talking to a friend today about relationships. He was a big help. I won't say more, haha.

Amor Vincit Omnia - lovers are lunatics. Couldn't agree more, especially with what's going on our society today. Love seems so fake; a bliss in the dark where people try to reach and obtain but never seem to. Then there's people who actually try, forcing themselves to fall in love for the mere loneliness in their own heart. I idea of "soul-searching" is ridiculous to me. In my own personal opinion, God created someone for us and we're meant to meet that person one day. It could be anytime, anywhere but people lack the patience to wait.

Love can sometimes be a good thing, I'm not doubting it at all. We all need someone to love, right? But again the idea of parting yourself out there to find someone to satisfy your needs and not theirs is only selfish and a waste of time. Let it happen naturally, what's so hard about that?

My day consisted of just doing absolutely nothing but watching Kickin' It Old School and License To Wed. I feel the blob of fat beginning to re-emerge from my belly once again. Got to start working out. There are so many things I want to do when I come back. There's the possibility of me getting deployed within the next year or two. The law of time can really do it's thing and quickly pass by so take everyday as if it was your last day on the Earth. Anything could happen to you; I've seen it happen a lot and it sucks.

I might decide to go to France within the next 2-3 months to visit my mom and possible do some travel around Europe like I've always wanted. Ralph Waldo Emerson in Solitude said that by going out where there's absolutely nothing but the beautiful landscape of a country's suburb is a great way to "find yourself."

Relationships can sometimes be a disease. It can corrupt you, change you and that aurora of darkness can consume you. We're merely human beings but we are capable such of such action, especially if you're part of an organization where anything can happen.